Are You Dizzy Yet?

Broadcast

Part II of III

MALIN: Cut his mike. Cut his mike.

LOFTIS: You always do the buttons; you fucking do the buttons!

MALIN: There are no buttons!

DORN: Afternoon.

LOFTIS: Jesus Christ, Mark, we can explain.

MALIN: (Defeated) Our producer, Mark Dorn, everybody. Nice to see you, Mark. What’s up?

LOFTIS: It wasn’t our fault, Mark; that wasn’t the draft he handed us. We’d never seen that draft, I swear.

MALIN: It was, in fact, the most disgusting thing ever committed to words. I can’t even believe the extent to which that horrifying segment extended. It was awful, truly awful.

DORN: Haha… Wait, what?

LOFTIS: You haven’t been listening to the show?

DORN: No, I was chatting with our guest, Dr. Kleptor. I left Sanchez in charge. Not everything is about you. Sanchez, did everything go smoothly?

SANCHEZ: Yo no hablo el Ingles.

DORN: Excellent.

MALIN: Sanchez, you beautiful bastard, come here so I can kiss you.

SANCHEZ: Yo no soy un homo.

MALIN: I love Sanchez. He sounds just like the tapes in my high school Spanish class. How is your family, Sanchez?

SANCHEZ: No hables de mi familia. Yo te mato.

MALIN: See? I love him.

DORN: Guys, we have a guest waiting to go on – hey, it looks like the phone lines are lit up. Every line is busy. What’s going on?

LOFTIS: There are no phones.

MALIN: Phones are broken.

LOFTIS: The phones are an illusion.

MALIN: That was a bit too far.

LOFTIS: The phones are a lie!

MALIN: Ladies and gentlemen, it’s our pleasure to introduce Dr. Ariel Kleptor, renowned psychologist and author of the #1 bestseller, True Love in 10 Easy Steps, Guaranteed. How are you doing, Dr. Kleptor?

KLEPTOR: (In a thick, educated German accent) Fantastic. Good morning, gentlemen; it’s a pleasure to be here.

LOFTIS: Sir, may I say, that is a wonderful suit. Is that Italian? Is that Armani?

KLEPTOR: Thank you for the compliment. It is Brioni.

LOFTIS: Wow, that is a beautiful suit. And is that your publisher in the booth there, chatting with our producer, Mark Dorn?

KLEPTOR: Yes, that is my publisher’s representative.

LOFTIS: With the gold grille? And the ten-gallon hat?

KLEPTOR: That is him.

LOFTIS: The ten-gallon hat with the giant sparkling money-sign made out of diamonds on the front of it? And the purple ermine king’s robe, and the cane.

KLEPTOR: Yes, that is the one.

LOFTIS: The cane with the golden money-sign on the tip of it that seems to be firing hundred-dollar bills wildly about the room like a confetti machine, in some kind of shocking pyrotechnics display?

KLEPTOR: I have already told you that that is him! How much distinct description must you give to his ridiculously expensive things? There is only one other man in there besides your friend to be identified at all!

LOFTIS: Is he wrapping a blunt in sheets from the original Guttenberg Bible?

KLEPTOR: No, he is not.

LOFTIS: Oh.

KLEPTOR: He is wrapping a mix of half-marijuana and half-tobacco in his sheets from the Guttenberg Bible, the proper term for which is not a “blunt” but a “spliff.”

DORN: Our friend from the publishing company which owns this radio station, mind you, gentlemen.

MALIN: You must be doing very well for yourself, Dr. Kleptor, with this book.

KLEPTOR: I am just happy to be helping people find their everlasting happiness.

DORN: I hate to interrupt, but isn’t it about time for “Brownby’s Thoughts”?

MALIN: NO!

LOFTIS: NO!

DORN: What? Why not?

MALIN: Brownby is sick.

BROWNBY: I feel fine.

LOFTIS: Brownby has HPV.

BROWNBY: First of all, that isn’t true! Second of all, even if I did, it wouldn’t affect me very much in general because I’m not a woman, and it’s sure not going to make me have to ever leave work – What is the matter with you?

LOFTIS: I took a shot.

MALIN: (pained) You are so bad at this.

JINGLE SINGERS: Brownby’s Thoughts, it’s Brownby’s Thoughts, he’s smart, and he’s irrelevant, let’s get some Brownby’s Thoughts, yeah!

BROWNBY: I’d like to take a moment to talk about pedophiles.

LOFTIS: What is it with you and pedophiles?!

MALIN: Cut his mike. Cut his mike. Cut it. Cut that bitch. Cut it up.

BROWNBY: This is something you probably haven’t considered: Dating the Decoy.

LOFTIS: I can’t find the button to cut his mike.

MALIN: No, I meant, use the knife, physically cut his mike. Do it. Do it. Do it.

BROWNBY: We all have a good laugh at the horrible wastes of perfectly good abortions that get caught in NBC’s To Catch A Predator. But there is one victim that we never stop to think about, and that is the Decoy. The poor 18-year-old girl who portrays an underaged girl to lure the pedophiles into the house while Swamp Thing and his team of Camo SWAT Marines set up outside for the bust.

DORN: Well, Brownby, I’m pretty sure they have plenty of backup ready so she doesn’t get hurt while-

BROWNBY: Oh, yeah, that’s not what I’m talking about. This poor young lady is a victim in a much more shattering way. I mean, her very purpose is to look like an underaged little girl so that horrible disgusting pedophiles will be attracted to her and want to be with her – WHO IS EVER GOING TO DATE THIS WOMAN?

MALIN: We’ll be right back after -

BROWNBY: What would you think of her boyfriend? Think about it! THINK about it!

MALIN: After these sponsor messages.

[Commercial Break]

[Introductory Clip from “Bad to the Bone”]

JINGLE SINGERS: Watch out! Malin and Loftis! Malin and Loftis! Ooh!

MALIN: We’re back, it’s Malin and Loftis on KCMI. We’re talking today with Dr. Ariel Kleptor, about his book-

BROWNBY: I just Googled “Dr.” Kleptor-

MALIN: Why does he even have a mike? Seriously, what the fuck?

BROWNBY: I would like to point out that he is not an M.D., only a psychology Ph.D-

MALIN: This needs to stop.

BROWNBY: And, furthermore, his degree is from –

MALIN: Seriously, this needs to stop.

BROWNBY: Southern Illinois University.

MALIN & LOFTIS: Daaaamn!

MALIN: Sorry. Reflex.

[Silence]

LOFTIS: Southern Illinois University…

[Silence]

MALIN: Okay, you know what, it doesn’t matter where his degree is from. This man put a lot of effort into his education and I’m sure that regardless of the institution which he attended, he is very qualified to – [uncontrollable laughter] – oh God, I’m sorry, I’m sorry; I couldn’t keep a straight face, I just couldn’t keep-

DORN: FOR FUCK’S SAKE!

[Commercial Break]

[Introductory Clip from “Bad to the Bone”]

JINGLE SINGERS: Watch out! Malin and Loftis! Malin and Loftis! Ooh!

DORN: -fired in less than a minute if you pull that shit again, I’m serious!

MALIN: And we’re back, ladies and gentlemen. We’re gonna get right to our listener questions, coming in by email only please, again, email only since our phones are broken. Loftis, you screening those emails?

LOFTIS: Absolutely.

MALIN: Alright, let’s get to those questions.

LOFTIS: Our first question is from “John.” John says, “Dr. Kleptor, do you feel that your penis is too small? Make your weewee a monster! The ladies care about size and we can help. Turn your cocktail weenie into a tubesteak monster meat, click below!” Oh, and there’s a link.

MALIN: What part of “screen” do you not understand?

BROWNBY: In all fairness, he thought it was an actual listener question.

LOFTIS: It has a file attachment: “RunThis Program.exe.” I’m opening it.

MALIN: And our computers are now down.

BROWNBY: (Laughing) I can’t remember the last day as good as this one.

MALIN: Yep, now it’s forwarding the virus to all of our home computers.

BROWNBY: (Clapping with glee) “Monster meat!”

MALIN: Now it’s showing me a video clip of a gay man being anally penetrated in a sitting position, and his genitalia spinning about with the motion. It’s playing a Devo song to accompany this video clip. Meatspin, it says. www.meatspin.com

BROWNBY: (Singing through his laughter) “Right round, baby, you spin me right round, right round…”

MALIN: And it’s forwarding the video to my entire address book.

BROWNBY: “Like a record baby, right round, right round…”

MALIN: My producer is indicating we should keep this interview going. Dr. Kleptor, what advice do you have for young men who are trying to win the hearts of the loves of their lives?

KLEPTOR: Well, I would like to emphasize Step #3 from my bestselling book, Rose Colored Road. Step #3 is “Show What A Man You Are.”

LOFTIS: Does that mean you whip it out, and you slap them in the face with it?

KLEPTOR: No, that is not what it means. It does not mean that you reveal your penis and that you swing it into the face of girl, no.

LOFTIS: (Sound effects of cock slapping face) Ka-pish! Ka-pish!

KLEPTOR: No.

LOFTIS: Wha-bam! Bam!

KLEPTOR: What it means, Rule #3 is, you must be a very masculine, decisive person. You put a woman into her place, and you do not take shit, okay? Women prefer a man who can make decisions, and stick to them, and enforce them. Someone who will direct activities, and who will not back down. Fast car, okay – gigantic pickup truck, better. Wearing nice shirt, okay – big pink polo with collar popped up like homosexual vampire, much better, yes. Smell clean, okay – smell like horny herd of sweating fraternity pledges, sexier, yes, much! Woman say, oh, we want nice guy, right, we want someone who listen – no! Woman wants to be tied up with leather grips and be told to cook dinner, bitch! Control is sexy. This is key.

LOFTIS: Those were all the perfect things to say with an educated German accent, I have to say. The absolutely most perfect. Nothing more perfect with an educated German accent could have been said. Nothing.

MALIN: We appreciate your wisdom, Doctor. With just a few minutes left before our next segment, do you have any more advice to offer?

KLEPTOR: Of course. I would like to emphasize Rule #7 from my bestselling book. Rule #7 is “Be A Nice Sensitive Man.”

MALIN: What the fuck?

KLEPTOR: Yes, yes listen. Women are attracted to sensitive, intelligent men who know how to listen and who show sincere affection. They want someone who they know will be there for them when things go bad, yes, as well as good. A man who is secure enough not to have to be showing off his power or strength, because it is inside, yes. Women are searching, always, for this genuine and caring person who truly knows them and is also of a personality that is deep and worth knowing. Deep down, all women want to connect this way, to lie in the quiet of night, and to be held.

BROWNBY: Oh! My god! You’re contradicting yourself in every possible way!

LOFTIS: Calm down, Brownby.

MALIN: Brownby’s getting a little upset.

KLEPTOR: It might sound like a contradiction, to the inexperienced, but in actuality it is not.

[Awed Silence]

[Silence]

DORN: (Nervous sound)

MALIN: (Whispered) What?

DORN: Keep it going! Keep it going!

MALIN: (Whispered) I don’t know how!

DORN: Keep it going!

MALIN: Um… uh…

JINGLE SINGERS: Brownby’s Thoughts, it’s Brownby’s Thoughts, he’s smart, and he’s irrelevant, let’s get some Brownby’s Thoughts, yeah!

BROWNBY: What? Now? Are you serious?

MALIN: Goddammit, Jeff!

BROWNBY: Okay! Okay! Um… Did you ever notice… Like…um…

MALIN: Motherfucker, I will kick you in the balls so hard you cum blood!

BROWNBY: Um, jewelry stores! Jewelry stores, yeah! Jewelry stores are bad!

MALIN: Blood!

BROWNBY: I mean, like, how tacky are these commercials, right? Seriouly, “Jared”? Fuck Jared. Have you seen this? A bunch of twittering tittied ninnies sitting around talking about how their husbands bust their chops every day so they can wear those nasty high-collared red dresses that evil middle-aged sluts like to wear, and oh noes, one of their girlfriends sends them a phone picture message with just, like, a picture of a necklace in a box, and all the cunts start yammering, “He went to Jared!” How crass is it to take a picture of a box and send it to your friends? That’s super fucking crass! I mean, okay, if you get proposed to, you can send a picture of your engagement ring – but the box? The box, you cunt?! What the fuck is the matter with you? This woman should be battered!

MALIN: Jesus Christ.

BROWNBY: What? When men do awful things, they should be beaten. When a woman does an awful thing, she should be too! Doesn’t matter if it’s a man or a woman who does it! It’s justice!

MALIN: Can’t we just go to dead air?

BROWNBY: “Every kiss begins with Kay’s”? No! It doesn’t, bitch! If anyone has a right to claim hooking up the most people, it’s shit like Captain or Mike’s Hard! Seriously, jewelry should be classier; let’s not lose the romance. “Every suck begins with Smirnoff!”

MALIN: In what way is this better than dead air?

KLEPTOR: No, no, the boy is right. The boy is right.

MALIN: What?

KLEPTOR: The boy is right! You cannot believe that love is marketed, really. That any advice or steps will take you where you need to go. My book is, how you say, the bullshit?

DORN: Your publisher would like me to ask, um, excuse me but what the fuck are you doing?

KLEPTOR: I’ve been divorced two times, I have lost everything to me that is dear, and I have written a hundred research papers that were forced out lonely nights in my apartment while I drank the cheapest of vodkas. By all means, buy my book. But keep in mind how it was written. Thinking there are steps at all. Do you want to end up the same way?

MALIN: What the hell is this? Are you having an epiphany? Does that happen?

LOFTIS: I think it can. It strains verisimilitude…

MALIN: Are you going epiphany on us?

KLEPTOR: No, I… (Dropping the phony accent) No. I don’t believe in epiphanies. In my 63 years, I’ve had plenty of them. And the bottom line is they just don’t work. Any change that is brought about inside of you within a moment can be lost the moment next. Impetuous decisions don’t last. But they aren’t meaningless, either. They plant a seed. A seed that can grow, if it’s the right one in the right place. That’s why nothing you say is ultimately worthless, as long as someone is there to hear it. Nothing you do, or feel, or think. As long as someone knows. Enough times. Enough times and it might finally send that seed home.

DORN: I think it’s time for News and Weather on the 8s.

MALIN: Shove it, Mark.

KLEPTOR: No, I don’t put much stock in epiphanies. But once in a while, you come to let possibilities in. That’s what it feels like. Resignation to the way things are, even if you were trying to keep something more precarious, something tighter, up, you realize that the way the winds blow is fine too. Do you want to know what I learned from two failed marriages? I learned that you always regret what you didn’t do more than what you did. And I learned that there’s no turning anything back.

MALIN: Tell us about your marriages, Doc.

KLEPTOR: Oh, what is there to say. The first was… Well, the first was like that old story. We were young, and she was pregnant. She was a lovely woman. Helena. She cared for our children like no one else could ever. But I didn’t want her. I never wanted her. I would watch her from the door of my study. Dressing up the boys. They always looked so perfect. Really, they did. Little black overcoats and scarves and her, above them, in the tallest black overcoat and scarf. Smiling when they first came in, dragging snow in dirty white streaks all over the carpet. Cheeks pale and red in the center like they get in the cold. And they looked perfect. I was the part that was wrong. So I left. Not like walked-out-the-door left. More like lay-in-bed-and-said-nothing left. Until finally, slowly, like a matter of fact, we separated, and then divorced. And that was that. I didn’t have anywhere else to go. I just was done there. It got me started thinking on fate, when I was thirty-five. After a million experiments I controlled the factors – in and out – of hundreds of people, I started thinking on fate. Helena was big on fate. I was speeding down the interstate short after, doing 120 at least. And from the on-ramp comes this big Sheriff’s car, brown stripe and star, and my heart does that “Oh shit,” you know, that hearts will do. And as it gets a little bit bigger in my rear-view mirror, under this overpass, just crash, the overpass crumbles down in huge pieces from the center, and crushes this policeman. Do you believe in fate? Because I would feel awful. It isn’t right.

LOFTIS: Jesus Christ.

KLEPTOR: Karina, she was the one I went to myself. I went. We were married older. She was like… the movie you walk into halfway, when your friends are watching. And you hear the dialogue, and you see the scenes, and you think “This is a movie that I would love. If I saw it. Why have I not seen this movie? Look at what they are saying. Look at what they are doing. This is my movie. This would be my movie. If I saw it.”

MALIN: Yes?

KLEPTOR: Only you can never shake the feeling that you never really saw it. Even as you watch it. It’s only going by. It would be everything that I have wanted. If it were here. She left me for another man. And then twenty years later, I wrote a book.

LOFTIS: A bestseller.

KLEPTOR: Do you know what I remember most about her? Myself. It was like I was searching more for someone else to see myself through, than for someone else. I was so used to seeing through everybody, to always thinking in terms of their personality, of a personality, instead of a person, that to myself I was invisible. I needed someone there, to make sure that I was really there.

LOFTIS: Is that … I mean, is that why she left?

KLEPTOR: Oh, it’s not so simple as all that. No, no, I could come back here every day this month and give you thirty different insights why things didn’t work out, each one an epiphany, each one accurate, but there is no one truth when two people are together or not together. There’s no answer there. Just a lot of things.

MALIN: There’s no answer?

KLEPTOR: There’s no answer. But, I mean, it wasn’t about a question, was it? Remember that. It wasn’t about a question.

DORN: Can we go to news and weather here for a moment? We’ll be right back on KCMI, your number one stop for-

MALIN: No, we can’t go to news and weather, Mark. We can’t. We cannot.

DORN: We’ll be right back. We just have to take a short break for-

BROWNBY: They said no, Mark.

DORN: Brownby, get away from my controls!

BROWNBY: Mark, the answer is no.

KLEPTOR: I spent eight hours outside, in the blowing snow.

MALIN: What snow, Doc?

KLEPTOR: The snow outside my apartment, in Toronto. Waiting for her to show up. Even though I’d given her no reason to. She left me, Karina, but she wasn’t entirely gone. She was the love of my life. Even when in Toronto, it was like she was always someplace close by, because I could always think of where she would be, where drinking coffee, where driving to the store, where lying asleep. We got together once more before the divorce was final. And that was when I made the biggest mistake of my life.

MALIN: What was that?

KLEPTOR: I did not ask her to stay. I’d wanted to see her again, to be with her again, for so long by then, when we finally did, that it felt like it wasn’t enough. It was overdetermined. So many people, they think, they wait, that they must wait for when love is perfect or right or uncomplicated or safe to take a risk upon. There’s no such thing as outside reasons. It’s all inside. Everything. Everything is inside. If it’s right inside, then it’s right, and if it’s not, it’s not. Overdetermined. It was like something mattered so much that it wasn’t enough. I went back to Toronto. I thought, if she really wants me, if she really deserves me, she will show up. She will prove it. She will do something now to earn my love. Right? Gesture. Movement. Someone who will really do that for me, who will go all that way, who will bare her heart and her soul, then it will be right. Then I'll know. For sure, I'll know. I waited on a Saturday, when I got back to Toronto. I actually waited outside, sitting on the hood of my car, and waited. I was so convinced that she would show. I waited in the cold because I didn’t want to miss that moment – the one where her cab would drive up to the curb, the one where she would walk up and I could see her face. I sat there, smoking and watching. All night long. Eight hours. You know what I remember? The frozen cherries on the trees. Beautiful bursting cherries, deep red, each one in a perfect circle of ice on the branches. That was the night. In the morning, I went back inside, and I slept for four days.

MALIN: I’m sorry.

KLEPTOR: I remember one night, while we were still married. She said, Ariel, my favorite thing about you is the moment after we make love. Because when we finish, she said, you close your eyes, shut really tight. And the moment after, when you open them, I look in, and it’s like you’re seeing the world for the very first time. For that one second, when you open your eyes again, you are not the Doctor, you are not far away. Your eyes are newborn, she said. If only you could open your eyes like that more often.

MALIN: That’s intense.

KLEPTOR: Do not buy my book. (Yelling now, into the mike) Do not ever buy my book! Do not listen to anyone who tries to tell you that love can be explained, that it can be bought, that it can be simplified or taught. Do not listen to anyone who will tell you what is bad for you and what is good for you, and what you should do or what you shouldn’t do. Not a priest, not a teacher, not a mother, not a fucking writer. No one, do not listen! You will know without them, you will know, you will know-

BROWNBY: A little help here! Doc!

MALIN: Holy shit, they’re trying to take us off the air here. What’s going on?

BROWNBY: Help me out, John! They’re trying to break in!

MALIN: Ladies and gentlemen, our producer Mark Dorn and Dr. Kleptor’s publishing representative are trying to get into the studio from the booth to shut us down. Brownby is propping himself against the door to fight them off. Apparently, this message is bad for business all around. Ohhh, Sanchez is joining the fight now. Sanchez is calling Brownby “un homo”! And here comes Station Security to beat us. Apparently, locking out a show’s producer and publishing representative – not such a great idea.

KLEPTOR: (Still yelling) Never listen to anyone who tries to explain! Never listen to anything that tries to make sense of it for you!

LOFTIS: I found the buttons.

[Slide-whistle]

[Laugh-track]

[Trombone waah]

[Kazoo]

BROWNBY: Oh shit! Oh shit! I think I can hold this door for another few minutes! Here come the Security personnel! I can hold it for a minute! Ugh! This is awesome! Hardcore!

KLEPTOR: Do not be afraid, ever, to reach out for what you feel is right! Forget the immediate obstacles! When you look back twenty years later, they will be nothing! What you did will be everything!

[Kazoo]

BROWNBY: I love this shit! Ugh! This is some hardcore shit! Ugh! We are doing some Shawshank Redemption style shit right here! Ugh! We are doing some shitty 1980s movie version of Harrison Bergeron shit right here! Ugh! Ow! We are doing some Life is Beautiful shit right now!

KLEPTOR: Your heart will guide you to where you know you should be if you do not detour it!

COMPUTER: “You spin me right round, baby, right round, like a record baby, right round…”

[Meatspin]