There’s this resounding echo in our collective memories that “things used to be good.” Old people are constantly reminiscing about “the good old days,” when there was no violence or sex on TV, even though educated critical-thinking people will tell you that there was plenty of violence in the streets, what with the race riots on account of rampant hate crimes and lynching and such, and a whole lot of incompetent sex in the back-seats of big-finned classic-era cars since no one thought it was appropriate to teach kids about things like “birth control.” Nevertheless, the inexcusable bigotry and house-full-o’-babies is actually part of the old person’s wishful thinking, because old people are horrible, so at least they are being honest with themselves.
People my age and even younger, on the other hand, also like to wax nostalgic about the good old days, and they are just being stupid. You may have been happier when you were five or even fifteen, but that’s because you were a raging idiot. Whether a cupcake made you happy, or a hastily-copped feel under the bleachers, that doesn’t mean things were actually good; you were just retarded. There are a lot of external factors that in the rose-colored glasses of the nostalgic present look a lot better than they were. To use metonymy as an illustration of how everything you thought was good actually sucked, those TV shows we used to love, like Saved by the Bell, Clarissa Explains it All, Alex Mack, all of T.G.I.F., Aladdin, Fievel’s American Tails, King Arthur and the Knights of Justice – seriously, watch one of these. You’ll feel really badly about it afterwards, kind of like when you go to the bathroom to masturbate during class, and come back feeling guilty like everyone knows what you did. Except King Arthur and the Knights of Justice, that one actually rules.
Of course, it might be some more intangible internal aspects of your younger self that hold the illusion of happiness, and this is more likely the older that you consider the good old days to have been for you. The bottom line is that the chimerical delusions you had of how the world worked, which are what made you happy, have simply been stripped away by reality. Would you rather be ignorant and happy, or knowing and bitter? It’s an eternal question, posited by movies like the Matrix and Eternal Sunshine which play off of philosophy from hundreds of years ago, and make stupid people like you who think they’re smart act like douchebags discussing them in pseudo-intellectual parleys. The correct answer, of course, is knowing and bitter.
Remember when you had a boyfriend or girlfriend in 5th grade and thought you were in love? Seriously, how far were you gonna get with that? I don’t mean, “Oh, you knew you weren’t going to last into adulthood and become soulmates blah blah blah,” I mean, “How far did you think you were going to get, physically?” Like, do 5th graders kiss? Because that would be really weird and awkward, for the 5th graders, and for anyone who’s around. I mean, seriously. You were not going to get lucky. What the fuck was the point? It’s like all the shitty parts of a relationship, and that’s it.
My point is, the way you look at that idiocy now is also the way you should look at any relationships you had in high school. It was high school. You now understand the real makeup of a relationship are things like mutual horniness, economic expediency, and if you’re really lucky, the ability to tolerate each other even when you yell things like “cunt-face” at each other. It’s not unromantic. It’s realistic romance. That’s what real love is. Yelling “cunt-face” on Thanksgiving and still fucking like doggy-style jackrabbits on Christmas. You can quote me on that. I want to be known for that quote. Anyway, all of the quixotic kissy-face drama of high school, I’m trying to say, wasn’t actual happiness – it was illusionary. You can play in the band while the boat sinks and call me cynical, if you’re retarded, but I’m not – believing in the realities of love is more romantic than believing in the false fantasies of it from your depressed, bitch-ass position. High school was not the
There is an exception, wherein high school was the
What I was getting at, I think, is that some things actually did used to be good and later went bad. Only as an example to convey what makes things suck so that they can be avoided in the future, I’ve compiled a short list of Things That Used To Be Good And How They Went bad. Learn, people. Please learn.
- FACEBOOK
When it went bad: About a year ago, but it’s been trying really hard to increase its suckiness exponentially often since
Why it went bad: First, because it started letting anyone in. You idiots know the term “Facebook” means a college yearbook, right? It was alright when it was just for college students, and you could find other people who were in your classes and shit. It was a million times better than that fuck-shit-pansy-bitch-cunt-factory MySpace. Then Facebook decided it wasn’t sucking enough cock so it demanded more cocks to suck. Now everyone everywhere could use Facebook, whether they’d ever been to college, dropped out, didn’t know what college was, etc. Now, college kids are not smart, per se. But this move made the average user of Facebook from stupid-for-a-college-kid to just-plain-dumbass. Now there are high school and middle-school and hometown-networks, which means what? People who don’t want to connect with other people from their classes, but rather post pictures of pretty text roses with messages like “if u dont forwerd this to ur best gurls a goast wil murdar u lol” and “LOVELY SLUTS 4EVAH” and have little applications where people can see if their favorite jelly beans match up with your favorite jelly beans and feed your GODDAMN VIRTUAL FISH NO ONE WANTS TO FEED YOUR VIRTUAL FISH YOU STUPID WHORE. So basically another MySpace. One of my friends has like seven “secret crush” applications, ostensibly in case someone somewhere is trying very hard to let their secret crush on him known, and he needs to make extra sure he has every single avenue of revelation just in case! The messages on one of the applications all read “Virus, don’t download,” and “this is a scam!” and he still added it. Fuck you, people who didn’t go to college! You’ve already got considerably less career possibilities and earning potential for the rest of your lives; you could’ve dealt with not having Facebook! You ruin everything!
- JACKIE CHAN
When it went bad: Owen Wilson, Chris Tucker, etc…
Why it went bad: Jackie Chan’s movies used to be the shit. Now they’re donkey balls upon donkey balls. Thanks again,
- GIRLS
When it went bad: Probably when we gave them the right to vote
Why it went bad: All girls are sluts. Dirty dirty sluts.
- THE SIMPSONS
When it went bad: Around Season 10
Why it went bad: Haha, you freaking loser dweebs thought I was actually going to go into the Simpsons and specific reasons they suck, like “In episode 03575b there is a scene where Bart and Comic Book Guy blah blah blah and this clearly contradicts the blah blah blah blah…” Fuck you! If you even care why the Simpsons suck now, you will probably be a virgin forever. They do suck, and that’s all that matters. They used to be funny and now they’re not. You know what else isn’t funny? Family Guy. I think it used to be funny, too. And now it’s ass. Fifteen minutes out of every episode is someone (usually Stewie) doing that long-pauses-and-false-casual talk that they do, “So, um, like do you want to… like, um… uh, you know… like maybe… you want to go?... Maybe? … Maybe you want to go soon? Like in a little while? Like maybe you want to go in a little while soon? Like we could be going soon in a little while maybe within a short period of time? A little going-action? Huh? Eh? Huh?” IT’S NOT FUNNY AT ALL SUCK MY COCK.
- MY LIFE
When it went bad: Probably around the time I was 18, but every year’s a winner
Why it went bad: This one’s a little hard to pin down. Between alcoholism, painkillers, falling off the hood of a moving car, failing at my childhood dreams, and becoming an emo kid, the past few years have been a whirlwind of excitement and triumph. Masturbating twelve times in one day to the background noise of Adam Sandler movies on TBS is probably a low point. Every Saturday is a low point. Ultimately, I’d love to blame it on girls, for being dirty dirty sluts, but that simply isn’t true. I’m going to blame this one on Jackie Chan.
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