Does It End Like This?

Broadcast

Part I of a Series

[Introductory Clip from “Bad to the Bone”]

JINGLE SINGERS: Watch out! Malin and Loftis! Malin and Loftis! Ooh!

MALIN: Hey, ladies and gentlemen, welcome back to the morning show on KCMI, your number one destination for the drive to work, I’m John C. Malin.

LOFTIS: And I’m Irving Loftis. It’s three minutes past the hour, and we’ve got a great show for you today.

MALIN: We sure do. Today Dr. Ariel Kleptor is here, author of the bestselling book Rose Colored Road: True Love In 10 Easy Steps, Guaranteed. He will be joining us in a few minutes.

LOFTIS: Absolutely, we can’t wait to get to that. And don’t forget: it is Monday, and we all know what that means.

JINGLE SINGERS: You could win free luuuunch…

MALIN: Who does that? I didn’t see you push any buttons.

LOFTIS: I didn’t push any buttons. I thought you did that shit.

MALIN: Anyway, we’ve got News and Weather coming up on the 8s, but first, it’s everybody’s favorite segment, where we hand it over to our favorite little intern Jeff Brownby, everybody, let’s give it up for Brownby’s Thoughts!

JINGLE SINGERS: Brownby’s Thoughts, it’s Brownby’s Thoughts, he’s smart, and he’s irrelevant, let’s get some Brownby’s Thoughts, yeah!

BROWNBY: Kids, just in case you didn’t know, there are a dozen filthy rich men and women in suits sitting in a high-rise office building figuring out what lies they can come up with to get you to spend your parents’ money on thongs and popped polos with little bird logos on them!

MALIN: I spend my own money on thongs and popped polos with little bird logos on them.

LOFTIS: I spend Malin’s money on them, too.

BROWNBY: These people are called Abercrombie & Fitch. There are plenty of companies that lie to you to make money; they just happen to be the most successful. Their marketing plan is specific and detailed, with rules that must be followed at every store, from the placement of the naked-sultry-man ads to the exactly 85-decibel punk-pop music playing at specific times, to – yes – actually making employees spray their perfume around the store every 30 minutes. Every 30 minutes on the dot, with the perfume. Really. They have these rules written down. To manipulate you. How do you feel now?

LOFTIS: Special.

MALIN: Loved.

BROWNBY: Did you know Hollister is a company created and owned entirely by Abercrombie? They just pretend it’s a different company. Did you know Hollister was founded in 2000? It’s true; their very first store was in Natick, Massachussets, and it opened in July of 2000. And yet they claim to be a California company founded in 1922 – it says this on all their clothing. What do we call it when you just make something up that isn’t true?

MALIN: Marketing.

LOFTIS: Success!

BROWNBY: Abercrombie also owns RUEHL company, marketed to even older preppy bastards on the East Coast. They founded that one in 2004, but they’re claiming it started in the 1850s, and furthermore, they’ve created a whole fictional backstory including a German immigrant named “Mr. Ruehl” who founded an East Village leathershop in the 19^th century and etc etc, they’re lies! I mean this is all absolute pure manipulation and lies. They make shit up, because they’re Satan.

MALIN: Can we say Abercrombie & Fitch are Satan on the radio?

BROWNBY: Now, I’m no enemy of fiction. So, seeing as how my good friends at Hollister are about to launch their new store, Gilly Hicks, a lingerie brand to compete with Victoria’s Secret, Frederick’s, and Aerie, and are already marketing it through oils, soaps, and creams at their “Betty’s Body” locations, I thought I’d help them out with a nice little backstory to help sales; I mean, they get to take creative license with everything else, so why don’t I go ahead and do the same.

MALIN: News and weather coming up on the 8s.

BROWNBY: Back in 1925, there was a little girl named Jane Awesome Smith.

LOFTIS: That’s my maiden name.

BROWNBY: Jane was just like any other 4-year-old girl growing up in the trendy beaches of So Cal, surfing and spraying perfume on herself every 30 minutes, until one day, she came home from a party to find her parents were hanging dead from thick black bondage ropes that hung from the ceiling rafters, her father’s turgid penis still dripping cum onto the floor from the exertion of his asphyxiation-masturbation, the Hannibal Lecter mask on his head hanging lifelessly, her mother’s asshole open to a dilated five inches diameter with the pressure of the giant purple dildo that now fell, plop, onto the ground with a simple splash.

LOFTIS: We’re fired, aren’t we?

BROWNBY: So, of course, poor Jane Awesome was terrified, but the police arrived and took care of her, and eventually, she was sent to live with her creepy 75-year-old uncle, Gilly Hicks.

MALIN: I like where this is going.

BROWNBY: Hicks was a simple man, a former Nazi sympathizer who now made his living in the beaches of beautiful surfing-destinations in California by hunting down illegal Mexican immigrants and selling them to slavers from the ruins of former African republics. He had always had an obsession with toddler girls and panties, however, so now that the opportunity presented itself, he lost absolutely no time-

LOFTIS: NEWS AND WEATHER ON THE 8s!

BROWNBY: “Bam!” the old man would yell, raping the toddler on the floor of the shed out in the back of the beach, smelling random pairs of dirty panties he’d stolen from teenagers changing on the beach with lust-filled abandon, “Bam! Bam! What’s my name? Gilly Hicks! Gilly Hicks! What’s my name?”

LOFTIS: WHERE THE FUCK IS MY NEWS AND WEATHER?!

BROWNBY: “Say my name!” he screamed, swallowing a teenage girl’s used string thong whole while snarling and choking like a rabid pit bull, the rest of the captive children screaming and crying from their feces-soaked cages, “Bam! Bam! Gilly Hicks! It’s Gilly Hicks! Say my name! Gilly Hicks!”

MALIN: (sobbing) My family is so starving to death this year.

JINGLE SINGERS: News and weather on the 8s, on the 8s… On the 8s!

LOFTIS: So little, so late.

BROWNBY: Bam! Bam! Gilly Hicks!